The Post With No Worthy Title

Okay, I haven’t written in a damn long time.  No reason other than I completely have nothing to say.  Creative juices nil.  Other juices that can’t be bought at a store… also dwindling. Fark.

Well anyway, I will probably only have one reader, one witness to this blog entry of mine – Roms, whom I’m on MSN messenger with right now… it’s only the polite thing for him to do after all, hey?

This sucks.  Aja’s presence must’ve been inspiring for me… I had plenty to blog then but after Concepts, it was blah blah blah.  

I now spend my days attempting to cook and clean, tasks which I’ve set myself as part of my growing up process… especially now I’m not living with my parents.  It ain’t a bowl of roses.  This relationship is going how I expected it to be… a fucking challenge from day to day, learning to trust and learning that I need distance, that I’m not perfect, that she’s not perfect, that she can be right and me wrong, trying to remember that I’m not one-half, but a whole person bringing all the luggage that involves into a relationship with one other whole person with the same.  Not to mention the money problems as well, which are the worst.

Despite my parents’ outwardly acceptance of us, I know there’s still residual… hope.  Hope that I will give it up, find a husband and settle down to produce children of the 2-legged kind.  And then I worry.  That my parents are getting too old, that they will die with their hopes for their kids and that depresses the hell outta me.  So much so that I cried like a fucking baby just a few days ago.  The beautiful thing was that she let me.  And she cradled me like a baby and allowed me the moment to wallow in my self-pity, knowing that it’s just a moment I had to go through… like a kidney stone I have to pass out so that I can feel clean and new again afterward.

Sometimes it gets me down, when I’m tired, when I’m pms-ing, when I’m pissed off.  But otherwise I do know that it’s all a part of the journey and it has to begin somewhere.  And that where I am at now is better off than I was before.

Another thing I’ve learned, when things are going bad… don’t go complaining to the relatives or the mutual friends.  Nothing happened for me to learn that, just a sudden insight after reflecting on past relationships.  

And past relationships.  Shit, I have fucked up so many times in my life it takes my breath away.  

The End.